the letter room (2020)

track one
lonely, horny, mustached, sucker-sucking Oscar isaac: “you never know what’s going on in the mind of another man.”

me, watching at 1am while waiting to clock off at work: “i could fix him!”

fuze (2025)

track two
i knew absolutely nothing about this film going into it aside from three things:
1. it stars aaron taylor-johnson and theo james
2. i’m incredibly horny for both of them
3. i’d blow both of their fuzes and then thank them afterwards

anora (2024)

track three
caught an election day matinee

watched ani work the poles after i werked the polls

the substance (2024)

track four
the billboard of dorian gray

at first i was laughing along with the film
at a certain point i started laughing at the film

+1 star for the sexualization of the diet coke can – the real star of the film

the monkey (2025)

internal barking
there were two dudes in the row behind us who wouldn’t stop talking during the movie and i couldn’t stand it

but about halfway through – once the film jumped 25 years later – they were drowned out and i couldn’t hear them anymore over the feral internal barking every time theo james was on screen

the zone of interest (2023)

track six
about halfway through, i wrongfully trusted a fart and booked it to the lobby restroom. i’m in my 20s and can count on one hand how many times i’ve shit in a public bathroom. still debating what was more traumatic for me: the soundscape of this film or shitting in public halfway through the movie.

anyway, i hate hate hated the cuts to the weird cgi inverted sequences.

angels & demons (2009)

track seven
this was a comfort film for me as a kid, and i think that explains a lot

as a former catholic school kid that’s now an adult, i say this with my full chest: i wouldn’t hesitate a second to drop to me knees in front of camerlengo patrick mckenna and pray*


*blow him

self-guided alcatraz (2023)

track eight
i could complain about the oscar snubbery.

i could complain that, after the movie hadn’t started and i went out to the lobby to let an employee know, the movie was manually started in flat when it should have been played in scope; so, the masking cut off the top and bottom of the screen for the entire film.

but, instead, i’ll tell you a story:

once upon a time, when i was in third grade, i had an acute hyper-fixation on alcatraz. so, during spring break i went and took a tour. my mom had no idea i was in san francisco, let alone california. she thought i had been kidnapped – and, her lawyer got involved. alas, i was not kidnapped. my 10yr old self was simply on a self-guided audio tour of one of america’s most famous prisons.

blow job (1964)

track nine
after cumming to a couple conclusions about this film, i could/would/probably should write a dissertation on it.

there are shorter edits of this out there, but i’d recommend sitting back & settling in with the full 36min version and milking every frame.

napoleon (2023)

track ten
this was the first thanksgiving i’ve had off in 9 years, and i made the active decision to go sit in a theater alone and watch this.

what a waste.

3,000,000 people died during napoleon’s quests; and, after sitting through this crock-of-shit film, i wish i was one of them.

i had wicked bad diarrhea earlier from some Taco bell because it was the only thing open – and, i enjoyed that more than i did sitting through this.

also, -1 star because far too many horsies died on screen for my liking.